Subject: doesnt make sense ...





*click* .. i turn off the lights and my room plunges into darkness and as i turn my face from the wall towards the room\'s length, the darkness seems ever so more dark and i stumble to find my bed that has been there all my life and i immediately realise how is it possible that i lose track of where my bed is each night when i close the light, i stop, and then tell myself, probably this happens with a lot of other things in life .. so be it with this .. as i lie on the bed, i feel like ive just been offered a bed of roses in heaven, why .. because i was tired, and straightening my back was the only thing i could think of ... but ... theres something different tonight, last night when the moon light had lit my room with its sparkle ... i was looking at the things it made to glow and i wanted to go to sleep because i needed to rest my mind that had been working the whole day, why rest .. because i wanted to wake up fresh for the day that had to follow, but tonight .. when i lied down and felt at ease, i wasnt so energetic about going to sleep and waking up fresh .. why .. because i wondered, i woke up fresh this morning, but look at my state right now .. tired .. disoriented .. not thinking clearly .. a thousand things on my mind and i cant concentrate on neither one of them .. why is that everyday starts of afresh .. and ends up like this .. doesnt make sense .. and sometimes when things dont make sense .. youre forced to ponder upon them even when the most needed thing in front of you would be sleep .. i wonder why .. i know people are sent in this world to live and pray in front of God to make Him happy and to help eachother .. what am i doing .. what are others doing .. surely they have the same God as mine .. didnt they get the same message ? .. then why do i feel that i need to help others and im guilty of not thanking Him enough and all the others are going just fine .. why is that i\'ve been told to build my life up .. stand on my own feet .. and be stable and strong, if this is the message ive gotten .. havent all the people who today are dependant on me gotten the same too ? .. doesnt make sense .. i go to sleep tonite .. just to retain any drop of energy that i might spend more than i can afford .. so that i may use it in the next days proceedings .. but then tomorrow night its going to be the same .. why sleep and wake up .. when the next day to follow will be exactly the same .. why live another day when you\'ve already lived it today .. ive seen over two decades of winters in my life .. they never change .. what makes me so sure my life would .. i dont see anything in my past .. im living my present because i dont have anyother option .. and i bloody dont know anything about my future .. then what am i doing .. doesnt make sense .. i dont even know that if i close my eyes .. would i be opening them again ever .. would i be seeing all that ive yet to see in my life or not .. would i be standing up to the expectations of all the people who look up to me .. would i be hearing comments on me that i deserve .. would i ever get to love someone .. would i ever be loved by someone ? .. of all the things, ... my own life is uncertain .. my next breath is uncertain .. then what makes sense here .. if your next breath tells you that i\'ll be