Satire





Block‑2








I can’t wait till I get old. I’m not talking about just to the age where you are able to go to strip clubs and drink alcohol legally; I’m talking about being at that age where the only clubs I’ll be seeing, are the clubs in my golf bag, and when I’ll only be able to drink half a glass of Bud Light before my bladder starts running. Once I’m old I’ll be happy for the rest of my days(until I have a heart attack, stroke, get cancer, break my hip, or forget how to breathe because of Alzheimer\'s)


I have a lot of things to look forward to when I get old, such as being able to live in a retirement home. At first you may think that leaving home for the first time to live on your own would be the best, but that doesn’t even come close to living in the old folks home. Moving out when your 18 may sound like fun, but you have to pay for things that your parents would have normally paid for themselves, it’s not so much fun anymore. Thank God there’s retirement homes, where you get the best of both worlds. First you get to live on your own, without being bossed around(with the exception of being forced to take pills at a certain time, forced to eat at a certain time, forced to go to sleep at a certain time, and to only have visitors from the outside world from the hours of 5‑7 pm). Also because of social security or your children, you don’t have to pay for anything.


Another thing that makes me eager to go over the hill(... way over the hill), is the fact that you shrink. When I was young, I was really short and couldn’t go on any roller coaster type rides. Now I’m tall and could go on all the rides that I want. When you get old though, you begin to decrease in size(not much, just about 2 or 3 feet). Although this means no more roller coaster type rides, you get to do something much more fun. I’m talking about going to Bingo halls. Who needs roller coasters to get that intense hyped up feeling; Bingo will provide much more thrills. What else provides the excitement of waiting 5 minutes for a ping‑pong ball to be selected to find out if you have G‑59 on your little bingo sheet(certainly not a roller coaster).


The greatest thing about getting old though is,...well, everything. You get to lose your ability to see. This comes in handy when you don’t want to look at ugly people or the depressing events in the newspaper. You get to lose your hearing. This is cool, because once you lose your hearing, you have to get a hearing‑aid. Then you could have the ability to turn off your hearing when listening to annoying people talk such as your wife or grandchildren. Also if you get bored you could pretend that the aid is a hidden microphone and that you are a spy on a secret mission that no one knows about, not even you. If you are really old(or have one of the bountiful diseases that old people tend to get) then you could get a machine that provides oxygen for you so that you don’t have to breathe on your own(or get one just so you can be lazy and not use your own lungs). Finally, for the ultimate thrill, you can get one of those motorized wheelchairs, with a max speed of 3mph, and never have to walk again. I can’t wait till I get old.