Mixed Signals. Sort of...


Per. 7


Personal Essay


The unfortunate part of this essay is that I find that Iím receiving mixed signals about this very essay as I am in the process of writing it. Theyíre coming from a lot of different directions, really. Some include doubts I have about my abilities to complete such an essay. Others are simply whether or not this is the essay (of the four choices) that I should be writing. Oh well, Iíve already put the effort forth to this one. Havení t had any doubts strong enough to actually stop me at this point. This is a surprise to me, actually. Mixed signals usually find a way to stop me for a good period of time. I guess this is more a question of me perhaps not caring enough of this assignment to let these kinds of distractions to bother me (no offense to Ms. Chesser, of course.)


Itís not so much that I donít care about my grades. I suppose to a point, everyone has a certain concern over their academic performance. In my case though, itís strange. The first three years of my high school career were spent constantly worrying about my school work. As a result, my stress level was obviously at a boiling point. My work for school did not benefit as a result. In my senior year (thus far) however, Iíve found that I really just donít give a damn about any of it. While that may cause some to slack off and just not do the work, Iíve found that Iíve began to do work at a more constant and comfortable pace. Senioritis, maybe. But my academic performance so far this year has far exceeded the standards I had made in previous years. Once again though, this brings up mixed emotions. While I guess I ím happy about my improved academic performance, my lack of care is almost disconcerting, because the lack of care doesnít just stop at school work. Unfortunately, a lot of other aspects of my life have reached a point of indifference. A lot of it started a few months ago in September, on a day that was really just a huge slap in the face for me. Once again, the mixed signals take effect, and I almost donít wont to go back and remember that day. I guess itís too late though. My thoughts are already stirring, and as a result, my emotions are running high. Getting it out may calm me, I suppose. I donít know that I have much to lose anyway.


So basically, I woke up just like on any other day. Probably thinking about my girlfriend at the time, Amanda, as I did everyday before that. Well, really, who am I kidding, I unfortunately still think about her every day. Amanda had become my entire being, really. She really was my everything. Unfortunately, she lives all the way in California, making sustaining a relationship very difficult. After three years though, it was seeming more and more like there was no worry. Too bad I didn ít have any mixed signals on that issue. I talked to her that day, and out of nowhere, she comes out and tells me that she can no longer sustain our relationship... After three years... First blow of the day... Really, I was dumbfounded. Beside myself, really. I didnít know what had happened, and furthermore, I just really no longer knew who I was. As I had said, she was my existence. She had become who I was, and to have that stripped as suddenly was it was away from me, I still havenít recovered to be honest. But like I said, that was only the first blow of the day. Later that night, the football team had a scrimmage. My mind obviously was not focused on the game at hand. I donít even know where it was. My lack of concentration however, led to my second hit of the day. One false step, and my ankle was left twisted. One wrong move, and there was a two hundred and fifty pound kid slamming right into my ankle. Yeah, it was sprained pretty badly.


And so there I