Love and Rejection: Breaking Up


Some felt they were a modern day Romeo and Juliet. The reality,
however, is that they were a heartbreaking example of what can go wrong with
adolescents.
Christian Dalvia, 14 and Maryling Flores, 13 were sweethearts who were
forbidden by Flores\' mother to see each other. In early November, 1995, the
young couple met one last time. Standing at the edge of a Florida canal, they
joined hands and jumped 15 feet into the cold, murky water to their deaths.
Their deaths may sound romantic, even heroic to other teenagers when, in
actuality, it\'s just plain stupid. There were probably many other reasons for
their deaths, but ultimately, the thought of not being together tortured to the
point of wanting to take their own lives. This is a very extreme example of
what can go wrong with teenage heartbreak. One minute they\'re inseperable -
sharing their most intimate thoughts and details - the next minute they are
faces across a crowded room or polite acquaintances at best. These are the
consequences that come along with a breakup.
We teens hear about love all around us, in music and movies, on TV, in
stories. We hear that love will make us happy. We hear that single people are
lonely. We are told that if we are not part of a couple, we are not complete.
We all want to be part of this thing called ‘love\'.
Okay, we get a boyfriend or girlfriend, now everything should be perfect.
But, it\'s not perfect, because life never is. It is easy to become
disappointed. Feelings can change. One person may decide to say good-bye.
When that happens, the one left behind will feel rejected.
Rejection means choosing between one thing and another. The one who
feels rejected thinks as if they are not good enough. It hurts. When the
person you love decides to leave you, it is even more painful. Does rejection
mean failure? No. The end of a relationship means that the boyfriend or
girlfriend decided that s/he wanted a change. The reasons for this are within
the ex - not within the rejected person. No one is a less valuable person
because their boyfriend or girlfriend\'s feelings have changed. What To Expect
There are nine stages of rejection that almost all “dumpees” must go
through. The pain may be awful, but each stage is part of the healing process.
The stages may not follow in an exact order, but they will all be experienced.
The Denial Phase: “This can\'t be happening.” During this stage, people may
find themselves waiting for the phone to ring and not believing that the
relationship is over.

Solution: Acknowledge your feelings about what has happened. Accept, but do
not dwell on shame and embarrassment, and all the ‘shoula/woulda/coulda\'s\'.

The Bargaining Phase: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that, “If I get my hair
cut,” or “If I don\'t call her for a week,” s/he will change his/her mind.

Solution: Accept that it\'s over.

The Loneliness Phase: Feeling as if no one understands or cares.

Solution: Surround yourself with people who do care, and those who openly say
so. Remind yourself often that you are loved.

The Heartbreak Phase: Feeling like your heart is really breaking. You may even
feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of the person or see
the person with someone else.

Solution: You can go on. If you\'re feeling really bad, snap your fingers to
interrupt the thought.

The Blame Phase: Pointing the finger at you or at your ex for what each of you
did wrong.

Solution: Decide that neither of you are at fault and both of you are
responsible for the breakup.

The Depression Phase: Feeling sad, worthless, and foolish. You have trouble
eating and sleeping and you may imagine you\'ll never love again. Solution:
Allow yourself to feel pain but don\'t wallow in self-pity. Keep busy with
exercise or projects.

The Anger Phase: Feeling furious for being rejected.

Solution: Experience the anger, but don\'t exaggerate it. Don\'t let yourself
become bitter.

The Acceptance Phase: Finally believing that it is over. You no longer expect
your ex to call and you begin to feel at peace.

The Healing Phase: Getting your life back. Ready to meet new people and you\'re
no longer dwelling over your ex.

These phases are all healthy ways to recover from a breakup.

The Wrong Moves

Just as there are ways to properly cope with ending a relationship,
there are also unhealthy ways that some of us are drawn to do.
In trying to cope with a breakup, many