Christmas, Retailers, and the Santa Claus Conspiracy

Well it looks like it\'s that time of year again, when colourful lights
are hung on trees, families spend time together, and retailers swim naked
through their money. You guessed it, I\'m talking about Christmas, one of the
many holidays that have lost their meaning to commercialization. Forget the
memory of Jesus Christ, now\'s the time to pay homage to the almighty buck.
Nowadays when someone thinks of Christmas or Easter the idea of
Christianity is one of the last to come into their mind (although I don\'t think
it could have been made much easier -- "Christ"ianity, "Christ"mas -- what kind
of minds are we dealing with?). It\'s far more likely that their first thoughts
will be about buying the perfect gifts, having the most eye-damaging house
decorations on the block, or having a hairy old fat man in red underwear
arrested for putting their child on his lap and whispering to them to tell him
what they "really" want (strangely enough there are some parents out there who
actually pay money each year to have this abuse inflicted upon their children).

The whole idea of Santa Claus is one of the scariest I\'ve come across
and yet we embrace it. The entire story sounds like something you should
threaten your kid with if he doesn\'t want to eat his veggies. As I understand
it he\'s supposed to be a fat man wearing red underwear who is capable of sliding
down your chimney unharmed in order to quietly slip into your house while you\'re
sleeping. If he really existed I\'d be sitting up with a loaded shotgun every
Christmas Eve, not dreaming of gifts while this lunatic could be slicing the
throats of everyone in my house! And to add to the horror he is said to use
"elves" to manufacture "toys" in a little "workshop" in the North Pole. This
entire elf story sounds like a softening cover-up fed to us as propaganda. The
truth of the matter is there\'s a Mafia hitman out there named Santa the Claw who
runs a sweatshop using illegal child labour to manufacture products in a remote
location where he can\'t be easily apprehended; or so that\'s what my skills of
deductive reasoning tell me. So why the cover-up? Simple. The retailers,
businessmen, and all the other bad people are all in on it since they realized
long ago the amount of money they could make by marketing the "Santa Claus" idea.
So like everything about the holiday, it reverts to money. And when you look
at Christmas today, where would it be without Santa Claus? The multi-
millionaires would only be regular millionaires and I\'m sure all us middle class
people would agree that that just wouldn\'t be acceptable. Our sole purpose
during this holiday season is to give till it hurts so we can help those needy
millionaires become multi-millionaires because, lets face it people, they need
our help.
The amount of commercialism during the holidays truly is unbelievable
though, isn\'t it? Just two weeks ago I was at the mall and I decided to check
to see if some CD prices were any cheaper in K-mart ("The lowest price is a K-
mart price", so I had to check). When I got no more than two meters in the door
I was swept away by the currents of people. First I was forced towards the
toiletries, then pushed by the sporting goods, and then hurled past the
electronics section. This chaotic tour of the store continued until I began to
be driven towards the women\'s lingerie section, at which point, as any other
self-respecting male would have done, I decided to fight my way out rather than
be taken into "No Man\'s Land". After getting out with most of me still intact I
realized that I had made the mistake of interfering in the annual Christmas
battle of guilt-ridden parents looking for the perfect gifts to appease their
children. Everyone else who had naïvely gone in there (and let me assure you it
was a decreasing minority thanks to the lucky escapees such as myself and the
unfortunate death tolls) were just ordinary unarmed shoppers who, like me, were
unaware that the Spanish "Running of the Bulls" was being held in Sudbury this
To make the situation even worse we are faced with advertisements.
After looking at these ads and listening to their commercially biased yet
sincere opinions on how you should treat your loved ones no one can feel that
their gifts will