All About Nothing: The Story of My Life


Perhaps the most important thing that has happened in my life is the
fact that nothing really big or important has ever happened in my life. For
example, my parents are still happily married, and nobody really close to me has
evr died. All of this is very unfortunate, I am sure, because if one of these
things had happened I would have been able to find a topic for this very essay
which I am writing very easily, and would not have had such a hard time getting
this essay in to my teacher on time. Nor have I rescued a little kitten from a
tree, which when I think about it is really unfortunate because then not only
would I have had a topic, but I might also have gotten my picture in the “
Hillsborough Beacon,” or even in the “Somerset Messenger Gazette,” which, in the
lingo of those in the news paper business, is the ‘big time.\' But there is
little point in even mentioning these things, because they have not happened,
and thus, I am left topicless. I could try to fool you with some far out,
totally unbelievable story about how I was in a car wreck involving at least two
dozen cars, including the president\'s limousine, and how despite having broken
two legs, an arm, in addition to various other body parts too numerous to
mention, I managed to drag myself out of the wrecked car (A job for the Jaws of
Life, for sure, had it been any other person but me in that car), and then how I
managed to haul all of the other survivors, among them the president himself,
out of their cars, and to safety, only moments before a small fire that was
caused by the crash reached the gas tank of one of the cars causing a breath-
taking chain reaction of explosions and fires seen and heard for miles around I
could...but I will not. In fact, I would not have it any other way.
If a highly important meaningful event had happened in my life, the
chances are that I would be a completely different person today than the Bill
that I am sure you know and love, and probably even worship. It could for
example have made me realize how important a proper education is (Do not ask me
how.). And, because of this, I could be a diligent hard working student.
Thankfully, it didn\'t and I am not, but the point is, it could have. A scary
thought indeed. My parents aren\'t divorced and do not abuse me, giving me no
excuse for bizarre, eccentric, or anti-social behavior, but sometimes I wish
they where or did, because then, if they where divorced or did abuse me, I could
do anything I wanted knowing full well I could blame everything on them and get
off with a mild slap on the wrist if that. But now I am getting off on a
tangent that belongs more in a history paper on current events or something like
that than in an English paper, so back to my anti-reflective reflective. I have
never been subjected to life in a slum, or in the projects, so if I tried to be
a “gangsta\'” I would be lying to myself, which is something I do not do. I lie
to others perhaps, if I can gain anything at all by it, but never to myself. So
“gangsta\'” is out. Nothing significant ever happened to mold me into the person
I am (Except, of course, my own birth, but what I remember about that is not
nearly enough to write an essay about.), except nothing at all.
Nothing is perhaps the most important thing that could have happened to
me. It made me what I am, an average person in every way. I am not too “cool”
or stylish, but neither am I a complete social outcast. I am on of the only
people I know who goes to a “real” barber shop, as opposed to a stylist or a
salon, and one of even fewer who asks for a short regular every time. (The
barber actually knows me quite well, as I\'ve been going there since I was
three.) I own only four pairs of shoes, which seems like a lot until you
consider the fact that that includes boots, cleats, and dress shoes, which
leaves me with only one pair of shoes for