A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood


“Why won’t he fit?” said a disgruntled babysitter trying to force the dead corpse of a young Christopher Robin into the picnic basket. Christopher Robin, the selfish prat that he was, with his stupid little shorts and whiny child actor voice, always pushed Shelly over the edge. “Gee, why am I going through so much trouble with this body when I can use this olive fork to hack cutesy little Christopher Robin into many pieces?” said the babysitter thoughtfully. After cheerfully wiping the blood off her arms and sealing the basket with electrical tape, she hummed merrily while chucking the basket into the river. She was clearly the image of an underpaid child supervisor.


As the babysitter turned away from the river, marveling at her latest adventure, she realized that someone had witnessed her terrible deed. Silly children, how difficult they were. As the little girl fled with terror, the babysitter calmly started the engine of her 1984 Buick and sped towards the screaming girl. As she sped up behind the girl, she had found out that she was a girl scout, with her uniform and backpack, making her usual rounds around the neighborhood.


“What do you think of Girl Scout cookies now?” the babysitter grunted cramming another Caramel Delight into the little scout’s mouth.


Three days went by before the tattered remains of Christopher Robin was discovered. Shelly marveled at her Television set when she first spotted but quickly cringed at the words of the reporter when she said, “...investigators may have a lead in the murder case.”


“Wretched authorities. They’ll never find out it was me...”


“...and a small olive fork found near the river known to me the murder weapon...”


Shelly was so frustrated at this point that she felt the need to go down to her basement and beat the hell out of her dog Figaro. While down there, she harvested some of her marijuana plants.